If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
