This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
