we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
