genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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