I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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