I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
