I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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