I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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