so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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