I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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