Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
