Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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