Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
