he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
