Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
