Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
