I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
