I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
