I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
porn star boner night. come get it.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
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