I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
