also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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