Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize