apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
