everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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