I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
