Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
