i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I can't put those talents on a resume
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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