she woke up with a sticky ear
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
did i just pee glitter
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize