Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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