I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
