before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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