A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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