using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
