I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
