my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
