If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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