the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize