having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
