I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
