feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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