he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
this just has baby written all over it
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You were trust falling into bushes
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
