I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
