OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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