Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
