Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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