we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
