that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I AM VODKA MAN
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
