I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
