At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Someone shattered a urinal.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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