I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
