I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
