I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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