All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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