she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
