I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
