Your mouth is God's brothel.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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