So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
