The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i've created a new STD.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
