im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
