your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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