I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
