dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
